


Wish I Wasn't

by hibiren



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Blood, Character Death, Coffee, Crying, Death, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Fear, Fear of Death, Feels, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kissing, Late at Night, M/M, One Shot, Prompt Fic, Recovery, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Turks (Compilation of FFVII), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:06:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25947808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibiren/pseuds/hibiren
Summary: One time, Rude doesn't make it back home. Reno has to adjust to life without him, and it's the hardest thing he's ever done.
Relationships: Reno/Rude (Compilation of FFVII)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	Wish I Wasn't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Xenjn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenjn/gifts).



> I wanted to gift this fic to the friend in my Turks server who sparked this idea in one of the channels - simply put, the idea was that Rude dies (nooooooooooooo), and Reno has to somehow learn to cope with living without him - I basically sat down and wrote this all in one go in response to that, so I apologize in advance if it's a bit rough! Many tears were shed over this but it was WORTH IT.. I thought it should be shared ; u ;
> 
> ((please make sure to read all the tags! It's a pretty angsty fic lol))

When the door opens, Elena greets the returning pair with a cheerful smile and wave, and Tseng looks up from where he’d been sitting, opening his mouth to ask what took them so long and -

Reno limps his way silently into the room. _Only_ Reno.

Drenched in blood. Most of it isn’t his, which is usually a good sign - but the absence of his partner already confirms the absolute worst. He’s clutching a pair of broken sunglasses to his chest, and the room goes ten degrees colder. Reno’s eyes are half-lidded, dark, and swollen; tearmarks stain the sides of his face, carving paths through the layers of caked dirt and blood on his cheeks.

Tseng stands before Elena can make it to his side, catching Reno easily when he slumps forward, on the verge of passing out.

“Where is he,” Tseng mutters into Reno’s dirtied hair, slicking it back with his fingers so he can get a better look at Reno’s condition. He’s alive, barely - his breathing’s not even but it’s steady enough… “We’re going to get him right now. We’ll bring him back.”

“You… you _can’t,”_ Reno croaks out. His voice is hoarse, like he’s been breathing in ash and smoke and _death._ “He’s… he’s…”

Reno can’t even say it.

_Gone._

_Dead._

He watched it happen. He held Rude in his arms as the life drained out of him, and as familiar of a situation as it was - they always made it through. Always. Somehow. But Rude… he was too far gone and by the time Reno could help, it was too late. He couldn’t even offer to take the pain away for him, it would have been far too much on Reno’s shattering soul. Rude left him with a smile, touched his torn gloves to Reno’s face, and whispered,

_Don’t cry over me, asshole._

Rude’s last words. They echo in Reno’s fading consciousness, and he wishes he could just follow after his partner, just give in to the urge to sleep it off forever. _Who knows,_ Reno thinks grimly, _if I’m lucky enough, I’ll be right behind him…_ it’s all he can wish for at this point. He can’t go on without his partner. He _can’t._

Reno can’t feel his arms. He can’t feel his legs. He’s bleeding, from somewhere - a lot of _somewhere_ s - but he doesn’t care. His tongue is thick in his mouth, and he tastes metal and blood. Everything is numb, he’s not even in pain anymore. His head is heavy, and he barely registers Tseng’s palm cradling the back of his neck, holding him, and he’s staring down at him with _that look_ and he just _flashes back_ -

To Rude. This is just like what Rude must have seen, the very last thing. Except Tseng isn’t crying. There’s a hint of a tear threatening to spill over, and his shoulders are shaking, but Reno wonders if he’s imagining it as his vision dims out.

“Reno - !”

Tseng and Elena both call for him, and Reno swears he can hear Rude calling for him, too.

_Please, fuck, just let this end. I’ve let my partner down, I can’t keep going on like this._

* * *

_It’s not your fault._

That’s Rude’s voice, speaking to him, clear as day. Maybe it was all just some kind of bad dream, maybe he just overslept his alarm, they’re just having another normal day, everything is fine -

But it’s not.

Reno opens his eyes, and he’s standing in a big, wide field. It looks vaguely familiar even if he can’t exactly place it. This feels like somewhere he’s been before, like the closest thing to home he could put his finger on.

“It’s not your fault,” Rude says again, and Reno nearly jumps when he sees Rude standing in front of him, wearing a weak smile. He’s missing his glasses, and when Reno realizes he’s still holding onto Rude’s broken ones, he just offers them up with a shrug.

“You’ll need them more than me,” Rude says, and all the happiness in Reno’s heart sinks. That’s right. Rude… isn’t there. This has to be some kind of dream, or some kind of sick joke. But it’s the only chance he has now to apologize.

“Rude, _Rude, I’m… I’m so…”_

Stepping forward, closing the distance between them, Rude pulls Reno into a hug. His arms are wrapped as tightly around Reno as they can go, but his touch is feather-light, almost like he’s not even there, but he’s there, because Reno clings to him with everything he has and lets out the most violent sob he’s ever allowed himself in his entire life.

 _“I can’t do this without you,”_ Reno swears, and Rude just runs his fingers down his partner’s back, it’s comforting, and it hurts too much. “I _can’t._ I _can’t_ do this, man, I _need_ you. I’m so fucking _sorry.”_

“I know,” mutters Rude, and he urges Reno into a kiss. It’s nothing like any kiss they’ve ever shared, it’s too desperate, too urgent, too _frightened,_ but it’s exactly what Reno needs. Rude pulls away, and Reno knows he can’t stay like this forever, but he wants to. He wants to stay here, wherever _here_ is - or isn’t - with Rude, forever. He doesn’t care about anything else anymore.

“They’re waiting for you,” Rude says, simply, brushing a falling tear away from Reno’s cheek. “I’ll… be around. If you need me, partner. You’ll know where to find me.”

And then Rude turns around, disappearing, leaving Reno alone, his screams echoing until there’s nothing left of his voice.

* * *

When Reno opens his eyes again, Tseng is sitting on a chair beside him. He’s laying in a bed, and he still can’t feel anything below his chest. But he can feel his heart, every pounding throb, every painful reminder that he’s still here. He lets out a groan, and Tseng raises his head.

“You’re back,” he says, softly.

Reno wants to laugh. He wants to cry. He wants to just scream until his lungs burst, but he can’t even get the words out to mourn right. Rude is gone. His only reason for staying on this godsforsaken planet is _dead._

“Wish I wasn’t,” is all Reno can manage in return, and Tseng gives him a sharp glare. Reno doesn’t react, of _course_ he doesn’t react - and Tseng forces himself to turn away, hiding his apparent scowl. Eventually, after a forced sigh, Tseng gathers himself and turns back around.

“You should drink some water,” Tseng says, and it’s more of an order than a suggestion, as he holds out a bottle he grabbed from the table beside the bed. Reno can’t even move his arms to take it from him. So he just attempts a shrug instead and shakes his head.

“No thanks.”

* * *

Reno doesn’t talk much, after that. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t drink - not even what little booze they have around; he stays far, far away from that. Nobody makes any quips at his expense because they know he’s not okay. It’s quieter than it’s ever been.

Weeks pass, time blurs, and Reno loses weight. He can’t keep anything down anymore. He’s not sick - he just can’t eat. That’s what he says, at least, whenever someone asks. No one questions him, because they all know what he means. He spends most of the day awake, pacing the finish off the floor, until he collapses against the bed and into an uneasy slumber in the hopes he can chase a thought of Rude to sleep.

He jolts awake at the slightest noise, eyes wide, ready to fight whatever he thinks is attacking him. He’s jumped Elena while in that half-awake state a few times, and she’s forced to wrestle him into a headlock until he calms down. And then he just _cries._ He cries until he can’t anymore. It’s pitiful, but what _should_ be the appropriate response to losing your only lifeline?

* * *

It’s Tseng who catches Reno on the balcony. It’s the first time he’s seen the sun in weeks, and Tseng swears Reno’s pale skin is almost translucent in the unusually-pleasant afternoon light.

He coaxes Reno down, brings him back inside, and Reno just goes back to his room and sleeps.

Elena finds him outside the next night, but this time he’s on the roof. He’s gotten some of his old climbing dexterity back, to have made it up there; he’s laying on his side, watching the stars flicker like lightbugs across the sky. Holding a pair of broken sunglasses in his hand, and muttering to them, and he’s _smiling._

She goes back inside, but leaves the door cracked so she can listen out just in case.

The sound of Reno’s conversation filters in.

_“ - saw the weirdest thing today, you’d never guess what, I’d bet you a million gil - ”_

_“ - says who? I could beat you in a staring contest hands-down, and - ”_

When the sound of talking stalls off, Elena pretends to go back to drinking her cold cup of coffee, holding it nonchalantly to her lips as Reno hops down from the roof and swings the door open. He’s still smiling.

“You okay?” she asks, and stands to head over to the coffee maker, where there’s still a little bit left at the bottom of the pot. “Want some?”

“I… yeah, actually.” Reno pauses, “There enough for two more cups?”

Elena pulls two mugs down from the cabinet, pours the rest of the coffee between them, and sets both cups down on the table. Reno takes one, and sits the other in front of the empty chair next to his. He drops a single spoonful of sugar into that cup, stirs it around, and offers that same, small grin at Elena. She knows, too, that’s just how Rude likes his coffee.

“He’d want some too,” Reno says, glancing back to the door, to the sky, and a distant look filters over his eyes for a moment.

“I’ll make more, next time.”

They make a silent promise to each other, that there would always be a cup on that table from that day on, with a single spoonful of sugar - whenever someone sits down to eat, or to read, it’s always there, ready and waiting.

When Reno falls asleep that night, he sees Rude one last time. He’s holding a cup of coffee in one of their cheap mugs, and he’s smiling.

_“Thanks, partner.”_

**Author's Note:**

> yes I sobbed terribly many, many times while writing this but I needed to let that out and I feel SO MUCH BETTER now I'm not even kidding akdjhfladkjfh


End file.
